impart to me your wisdom.

winter is coming

and im 20 lbs less then I was last winter. I need to find a cute, very warm, winter jacket. I don’t want to spend 200 dollars on a jacket, though, so I’m not sure I will find one. Everyone tells me to just gain weight but I cant just gain weight. I don’t view my body and food the way other people do. I’ve always been skinny, like 100 lbs or less skinny but this past year I seem to have hit my all time low. I weigh in at 80 lbs right now, and I stand 5’3”. I’m 20 years old and I weigh less then most kids. I don’t after want to gain weight, but I don’t want to be freezing all the time !

i believe

it is important to believe in something. Whether you believe in the words in the Bible, Qu’an or Torah, or you believe in religion was put here to scare us; you cant keep your feet on the ground with out believing. Me? I believe in being the best person you can be every day, and giving when you have more then enough for yourself. I believe in your best efforts always being good enough, and that its okay to ask for help. I believe in treating everyone as equals and not discriminating against them because of their skin tone, their financial level of success, their culture and beliefs. I know that everyone is the same, they have hearts that need love, and stomachs that need food and I am willing to give those things, and more, to the people who need them.

my brain is consumed

by the news my mother decided to share with me on her birthday. It’s hard to talk about, but it’s all I ever think about. I grew up with my mother always being there and my father never caring. I’m almost 20 and my mom thought now would be the best time to tell me that man I grew up calling “dad” is more then likely not my father. I’m not mad at her and I think that’s important for everyone to understand. In a way it brings a sense of relief. Now I know why my siblings were always treated better than I was.

The first step in figuring all this out is a DNA test. My mom said we just need her ex husbands DNA (aka, the guy I grew up calling “dad”) because if it isn’t him then its the other guy. I’m just so scared and I don’t know why.

“maybe it was wrong of me

to think I could keep you. Maybe its the last few drinks taking over my mouth and all I’ve been thinking. I want you to know I’ll be fine here without you, but I cant get myself to lie to you.” - Every Avenue ; Between you and I

That songs been on repeat for about an hour. The part above reminds me so much of Joe. Why do I think we can make this work being a thousand miles apart? Why do I think I can keep his attention? Why am I so selfish that I want too? He needs to feel loved and I want to make him feel loved, I want to make him feel like the most important person in the world because he is to me, but I know that its hard to know someone truly loves you without that physical relationship. I want to touch him, and hold him, and let him feel my energy. I want to take in all of his negative energy and replace it with positive vibes. I do love him, more then anything. He has come to mean so much to me so fast. I just hope the day comes where I can show him in a physical way what he means to me before he finds someone close who can…

this is me.

Lately I’ve been struggling to figure out who I am, or more so who I want to be. I’ll be 20 in two months and since I graduated high school I haven’t done much with my life. Besides losing my job and then getting an even worse one I’d say my life is exactly how it was. Oh, except for one minor detail: my sister is now pregnant. That’s right, I’m going to be an aunt sometime in January. I suppose that’s part of the reason I feel a sense of urgency wash over me when I think about how far I’ve come, or haven’t come. How can I be the kind of aunt that my nephew will deserve when I live the way I live? A few months ago I wouldn’t have even thought to change how I am just because I was becoming an aunt. A few months ago I was not even happy to be becoming an aunt. I felt as if my sister was too young and she was making the wrong decision, but I realized whether I think its the right or wrong decision I need to support her and be happy for her.

The way I viewed the rest of my life changed when an old friend came back into my life. Joseph and I met on the internet when I was around 16. We’d talk for hours about everything and nothing, planned our wedding in Argentina, and thought we were in love. I couldn’t really tell you what happened between us but we stopped talking. It was probably the distance and the fact that we were both so young. Throughout the next couple of years we kept in touch via twitter or text message, but just enough to know the other was still alive. One night something reminded me of him so I gathered all my courage and texted him about the dream I had the previous night. Anyway, obviously things went my way and for the first time in a long time I feel like embracing life and my true potential. Joseph pushes me to be a better person in ways that he doesn’t even know. I’m finally sick of sitting on the sidelines and watching my life pass me by.

I may not know who I want to be, but I know this isn’t it.