12 9 / 2011
this is me.
Lately I’ve been struggling to figure out who I am, or more so who I want to be. I’ll be 20 in two months and since I graduated high school I haven’t done much with my life. Besides losing my job and then getting an even worse one I’d say my life is exactly how it was. Oh, except for one minor detail: my sister is now pregnant. That’s right, I’m going to be an aunt sometime in January. I suppose that’s part of the reason I feel a sense of urgency wash over me when I think about how far I’ve come, or haven’t come. How can I be the kind of aunt that my nephew will deserve when I live the way I live? A few months ago I wouldn’t have even thought to change how I am just because I was becoming an aunt. A few months ago I was not even happy to be becoming an aunt. I felt as if my sister was too young and she was making the wrong decision, but I realized whether I think its the right or wrong decision I need to support her and be happy for her.
The way I viewed the rest of my life changed when an old friend came back into my life. Joseph and I met on the internet when I was around 16. We’d talk for hours about everything and nothing, planned our wedding in Argentina, and thought we were in love. I couldn’t really tell you what happened between us but we stopped talking. It was probably the distance and the fact that we were both so young. Throughout the next couple of years we kept in touch via twitter or text message, but just enough to know the other was still alive. One night something reminded me of him so I gathered all my courage and texted him about the dream I had the previous night. Anyway, obviously things went my way and for the first time in a long time I feel like embracing life and my true potential. Joseph pushes me to be a better person in ways that he doesn’t even know. I’m finally sick of sitting on the sidelines and watching my life pass me by.
I may not know who I want to be, but I know this isn’t it.
